I'm starting to suspect that my phone has a very bad opinion of me.
I went to grab a coffee from a cute wee place in Dungannon that does great coffee to go, I almost forgot the Barmaid Rule (yeeeah, who remembers the post that appeared in?) but that's nothing to do with the story, came back out to the car and did the usual check of the phone before driving off.
Now, anyone with a smartphone knows that they are tracking your every movement like that one creepy guy at work who asks if you've had cybersex yet with the guy you've secretly been chatting to on Tinder. So, the phone helpfully will tell you how long it will take for you to get to the destination it predicts you're going to, I'm sure everyone has seen that little notification.
Why, at 11 o'clock in the morning that my phone thinks that I would want to go to an off license is beyond me.
Not even a local off license but one in a town 15 miles away. Driving to other towns to hide your shame is the behaviour of alcoholics and fundamentalist Christians. What the hell exactly does my phone think about me?
Is it because I sent a Bible quote refuting a guy who was quoting the Bible to hate on gays last night on Facebook?
That was an interesting bit of news, wasn't it? Everyone is pissed off at Facebook for doing exactly what they said they do in their own Terms and Conditions but it's a shock to everyone because NOBODY bothers their arse to read the EULA. Except me apparently, and I made my peace with it.
And then completely without irony or self-awareness people are bitching about it... on Facebook. Guys and girls, seriously, if it annoys you that much just delete your bloody account or shut the hell up. "Ooh, ooh, I don't use Facebook, I just use Twitter because I'm a savvy social media user myeeeeehh." Well, guess what...
Elon Musk made a big point of deleting the official SpaceX and Tesla Facebook pages. Now, I love Elon, he's a cool guy and possibly the real life Hank Scorpio. But what a fucking pointless statement that was. I follow Elon, SpaceX and Tesla on their very active accounts on Instagram (owned by Facebook) and Twitter, I get to give him likes at least twice for everything he does, so literally all he did was delete the least active pages in his portfolio (but don't worry, the fan pages survived the purge). I'm not giving him hate though, I love the guy, if there's anyone going to find a xenomorph it will be him, but deleting a couple of barely used pages just isn't news.
Cambridge Analytica and its associated companies did kind of make a mess for everyone though, not just Mark Zuckerberg's billions.
My own particular pleasure is to be called a 'cave dweller' by Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who can't gain weight or grow a moustache because he'll be sued by Hasbro for infringing on their copyright on Uncle Pennybags. I'm not going to start slinging mud at the Tories though because really what's the point, when was the last time you ever thought the Conservative Party gave a shit about normal people?
And Trump? Well, lets just say if someone told me Russia paid for CA to mine that data I would not be surprised. However I suspect that whatever control Putin thought he had over Trump old Vlad forgot that he was dealing with a petulant man-child who will do what he wants because he just doesn't give a fuck. So the Russian diplomats are gone for an attack with a weapon that could only be traced to former Soviet stockpiles, and none of that stuff ever made it onto the black market ever.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not warming to Trump, I'm just waiting to see which country he decides to go to war with first. Probably Spain because he couldn't find Iran on the map, plus they sound suspiciously like they are talking Mexican.
It'll all probably work out in the end. Even if the bombs fall at the very least the fans of zombie movies will finally get to live in the post-apocalypse that they have always dreamed about, that future of fighting for survival, hiding from raiders, mourning the tragic passing of indoor plumbing.
As for me, I'm just going to be rambling bollocks on the internet to avoid doing any real writing and when the first bomb falls I'm getting in my car and driving toward the flash so I can go out with a smile on my face and the memory of someone nice I was talking to today.
Of course maybe I've got all that wrong and Siri was just trying to get me drunk.
Views expressed may not be representative of reality.
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