An Adventure in Undeath

I was struggling to think of something to write about today and then I remembered, "Oh yeah, I'm a colossal nerd," so I'm going to talk about an adventure with my nameless sorceress on her first voyage through Drangleic in Dark Souls 2, who I took to New Game+2 before discovering the usefulness of shielding. Since any attempt to write about the journey of any Dark Souls game in one post would more or less be little but incoherent gibberish (shut up) I'm going to write one post per region in the order of the odyssey, or maybe never write another because that would be bordering on fan fiction.

Things Betwixt
Ok, so that was a bit of an overlong intro sequence that didn't really tell me anything except that I don't know who I am and decided to jump into a portal for some reason that has led me to waking up in this ruin surrounded by suspiciously long grass.
Hey, what are those? Ooh, doggies. Starting enemies, alright, can't be that difficult since I don't even have a weapon yet.
Oh, and now I'm dead. That was unexpected. New rule, don't go near anything that looks hurty.
Right, and now I'm green and ugly... that's a nice touch, I guess.
So, a cabin with a bunch of creepy old ladies... ah right, I remember I'm a sorceress, now we're off to a flying start, time to go test my skills out by getting revenge on those dogs.
...Dead.
Hmmm, new rule, leave the dogs alone for now.
I wonder what's up this lane with all the big footprints... Oh, something big. And he has a bum! Hahahahahaha- oh, he sat on me. Right, I'd like to be able to make some sort of progress today I thought as I respawned at the ruins once more- hey, my bloody maximum health is reducing every time I respawn, oh up yours game.
Lets try that door on the other side of the cabin.
A bonfire, yes! Bonfires mean progress... in Drangleic, not Northern Ireland.
Cracking my knuckles with renewed vigour I ran through the next cave into a huge open expanse of... giant trees. Ok, so it's kinda like Teldrassil but everyone is really into Linkin Park and cutting themselves.
Fog doors, right, I'm not really sure what I'm doing here yet so I hope they just open up areas rather than dropping me into some inescapable Guild Wars Instance.
The mist eerily clears under my touch... and it's a tutorial area. Great, and I'd heard that this game's attitude to teaching you anything was 'if you want your hand held then piss off to Call of Duty'.
'Oh come one, that guy took me apart,' I thought to myself as I respawned at the bonfire.
Ok, so using my sparkly stuff fast has become vitally important as rolling out of the way doesn't seem to do shit.
So now I'm backing away and killing guys at range, this is going to take a lot of the challenge out of.. oh, I'm out of spells.
Now what?
Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit, I cursed as I led a conga line of angry undead through the boughs of the trees, oh no where's my stamina gone? Oh crap it's one of those big fat bastards! Two of them! No don't sit on me!!
This game is fucking unplayable, I cursed, gritting my teeth at the bonfire and running straight back to my pool of blood because I backtracked long and hard to get that small collection of souls and I'll be damned if I was going to leave them there for those big tubby brutes to gloat over.
'Ha, one of them walked off the edge, stupid jerk,' I thought to myself as I slowly picked off the health bar of the other ogre because I spotted a coffin down by the waterside and I want to figure out why the designers would stick that there.
Boom! Eat blue sparkly death, you walking pork scratching. I think I've got this game cracked now, so lets try out this coffin.
"Your essence has changed."
Ok, that doesn't actually seem to have done anything... hey, where have my tits gone? What the hell did that do, give me a double mastectomy?
Stripping off my robes I was in for another shock, "Heyyyy, I have a willy now. What the hell? I'm not a buff dude, I'm supposed to be a sexy lady."
So as I would later learn in real world conversation that coffin exists solely to troll new players, well played game, well played. It would be nice if such a thing existed in the real world, experience has taught me that (when it's done right) women definitely have a better time during sex than men and I'd happily sport a vagina for the weekend.
This and other asinine thoughts passed through my head as I crawled out of the coffin again and disrobed to check that my small but perfect boobies where back, and then I had to use a human effigy to restore my human state because the saggy green undead things were going to be the source of many nightmares.
After dressing I decided to light the all the torches in the area because that's exactly the kind of puzzle fantasy RPGs taught me to expect. Of course the Dark Souls box sitting in the corner of my room looking at me over the top of its glasses said "What did you waste that torch for, what do you think this is, the Legend of Zelda? Did you really think that a torch lighting puzzle would exist when there is no risk of imminent death?"
Slightly disheartened with time wasted and with a renewed sense of dread I turned to that dark cave beneath the huge crack in the mountain from where the only light came like the flash of a thermonuclear strike.
With a deep suspicion and staff in hand I walked into that cave to see what manner of death awaits me.